Your Happiness Requires Permission From No One
Wanna know yet another nugget of truth about yours truly?
Many people see me as this strong-willed, strong-minded, strong person. In many ways, I am, because growing up, my wonderful parents always told me that I could do whatever I wanted, be whoever I wanted, and as long as whatever I chose made me a happy, responsible adult, they would support me a thousand percent. So I was raised to never fear the idea of going after what I wanted in life.
It also helped me make friends when I was younger, because I’d help them get whatever it was they wanted, too. I would be their support, their shoulder, and their advocate. Because I always felt like if I could have it, so could they. So whether it was standing up for a friend who was being bullied, or suggesting that if a guy friend’s new girl hurt him in any way that I’d make her regret it… I was always my friends’ protector and biggest advocate.
I was in a position not that long ago, where what I wanted wasn’t working out for me, and I needed to figure out how I could still be the responsible adult (now that I’m a Mommy and all), so I did something I swore I’d never do – I went to work for someone, full-time, yet contracted (so no benefits or even time and a half). I promised myself it was only going to be for a little while, that it was to be able to get my feet back on the ground, catch up on some bills, and sustain being “on my feet”.
The months rolled on, and while I was able to usually make ends meet, I never had time to work on doing what I love anymore. I also didn’t have the money to put into anything extra like hiring assistants or anything. I kid you not, it felt like a part of my soul was dying, even though I was loving every minute of life with my daughter.
I wanted out of the job so desperately – there were lots of reasons, of course, but I wasn’t used to being micromanaged, yelled at, and brought to tears on a weekly basis. Maybe some of those negative feelings were resentment, sure, but it really just wasn’t an environment or situation that made me happy.
I spoke with my doctor and even considered medication because I was so depressed about work and money. (If this is you – please do speak with your doctor, and do seriously consider medication if you and your MD feel it’s necessary.) He assured me that it was because I was frustrated and tired and that I needed to change my thought processes before considering medication. So I did.
The Problem Inside My Head
Going back into business for myself, where I got to be picky again about what projects I worked on, what hours I put into what, and so on – that’s a scary thing, when you’re used to getting a fairly steady paycheck. The thought that I’d have to spend money to get out of my situation was scary, because I didn’t really have any to spare. The thought that sure, it may work for a month or so – but how would I keep going? What if the jobs stopped coming?
Not everyone in my family was super supportive about it, because well, frankly if I wasn’t able to come up with the money to keep the lights on… they knew what would happen. I don’t blame them at all. But those thoughts are what kept the fear going inside my head. I didn’t want to let anyone I love down.
I had a conversation with my hunny one afternoon, explaining that I was sad and frustrated and just needed out of that job before I lost it. He looked at me and said, “Lara, you have my permission to leave the job. It’s killing you. You don’t deserve this, and I KNOW you can do this on your own again.”
I burst into tears and collapsed. He was never the one withholding permission. No one really did, in so many words, but the simple act of him saying that is what turned things around for me. For some reason, this strong-willed, strong-minded, strong person… just needed someone to give her permission. And the notion of that alone not only shocked me, but royally pissed me off about myself.
I have never, ever needed anyone’s permission (nor did I attempt to get it, even if I should’ve). But for some reason, it took that one statement to finalize the decision I’d been aiming at for months. I didn’t NEED his permission. It was inside of me all along, but the fear of the unknown was stopping me. Until then. It was time to let go and do this. Again.
I have been self-employed in one form or another since 2005. On my own, I contracted work with Kraft Foods, Live Nation, and other Fortune 500 companies. I worked with whom I wanted, when I wanted, and for how much I wanted. I had a fantastic financial situation on my hands – had paid off all the bad debt from my youthful stupidity, and even raised my credit score to well into the “excellent” range, which meant I was going to start looking to buy a house, make some investments… and so on. It was only back in November 2011 that all that changed, and I found myself hitting a slump. And then a roller coaster. With my feet dangling off the bottom, and quite often dragging through the mud.
So, anyway… once I decided to leave the ‘job’, I gave them notice, and agreed to stay on part time to help them out while they figured out what they needed to do about my impending absence. We had a totally awesome arrangement, and they were absolutely fantastic about accommodating me, my time, and my space. It was great.
You don’t have to have everything perfect before you make the leap. The one thing you DO need is faith in yourself, though. You have to either remember that you’ve “done it before, and can do it again”, or trust that your passions, if guided properly, can be used to ensure you have a successful creative business.
Since then, I’ve been working on the things I’m super passionate about! My art, for one thing, but more than that is the programs I’m putting together to help others who let fear, doubt, or the lack of permission in their lives keep them from reaching for their dreams.
These are the things that I can’t wait to share with you all – Because they’re designed to help you create the creative entrepreneur lifestyle you truly dream of! You CAN earn a sustainable living while living your passions, too. It’s completely amazing how much more I’m smiling now. How much more relaxed I am around my wonderful daughter, her father, and our extended family is so… just… ahhhhhhh. I absolutely love everything about my life and where it’s headed, and it’s that feeling that I’m dying to help others reach. I WILL do it, because I’m a strong-minded, strong-willed, strong person. And so are you!